Running the “how to talk to girls blog” and the secret quiz gives me a special privilege: I get to see the questions from the other side. I get to see the questions that women often ask, such as: “why men flirt and then don’t ask you out?”, “we had a great conversation and he never asked me out!” or “why don’t men ask women out any more?!”
Now…
Whether you’re a man, have taken my quiz and now want to learn why you keep on not asking for the date, or you’re a woman baffled by this behavior, this text will be an interesting read… I assure you.
There are basically only several major reasons that men do not ask women out:
Men have HUUUUUUGE egos
Whether we like to admit it or not, we as men have some huge egos. We don’t ever like to ask for help or admit we can’t, or don’t know how to do something. We walk around with the identity of “i know everything, i can do anything… and if I’m not doing it, it’s because I don’t feel like it”. Now, this isn’t our fault, its just the way society has conditioned us…
Let’s look at how this affects our actions in the real world: It stops us from making a mistake. To ask a woman out and do it wrong and get rejected would prove we don’t know everything and we’re not as faultless as we think… so we choose the easy way out and don’t even ask, and then afterwards we rationalize it out in different manners “oh she didn’t like me anyway”, “she likes rich guys”, “i’m short” or “she’s out of my league anyway, there was no use in asking”.
This is one of the reasons that poor, ugly, smelly uneducated abusive guys usually have a lot more sex than their college educated, intelligent, fine-mannered counterparts. They simply TRY more, as they have nothing to lose. They don’t “lose” anything if a woman rejects them.
Self-Esteem Protection
This is kinda similar to the previous one, but not quite the same. What this relates to, is the fact that we tend to tie our entire concept of personal value to what happens. If she says “yes”, then we’re a “good person”. We spend all the remainder of the day with a huge grin on our face and a feeling of worthiness. If she says “no”, then we are crushed and feel worthless.
This is pure bollocks! You have let the media and bragging male friends brainwash you into thinking you’re supposed to get every girl you talk to (or else something is wrong with you). Here’s a fact many of them won’t tell you (and this is a scientific fact). The highest “success ratios” in the world are only about 15-20%! What does this mean? It means that the most handsome, smooth, charismatic and charming men in the world with the best “seduction game” only “get” about 20% of the women they set their sights on! Yes, you read that right!
You can’t have every woman, nor should you (some are just not right for you)… so stop attaching your self-esteem to whether she says yes or no.
Attachment To Outcome
Even though this is an integral part of the previous two points, I also want to tackle it separately. One of the main reasons that men don’t ask for the date (even though they wanted to), is because they went into the situation being attached to the outcome. What in the HECK does this mean? Let’s step back a little. There’s a very curious thing to human nature. Whenever we go after things needing and wanting them, feeling as if we must have them, we get in our own way… Something internally starts creating fear about whether we get it or not. We get emotionally invested into getting it.
The (very Zen-like) solution is to not want it so badly. And this applies to any area… If you try to go into weight-loss with an attitude of “i have to lose 23 pounds by march 15th next year!”, you’re likely to get all fidgety, nervous and stressed and end up quitting (as do 91% of all dieters).
If you, however have the attitude that says: “I hope i lose the weight. It’s fine if i don’t but I’ll have a blast trying anyway”, you’re actually more likely to lose it. In self-help circles they refer to this as “being detached from outcome”
Similarly, if you go into the situation with an intent that says “I have to get a date from this woman”, you’re 100 times less likely to actually ask her out as the more emotionally invested you are, the more likely your subconscious is to block you from doing it.
So, what do you do my friend? Do like DeAngelo says in his courses and go in with the intent that says: “i am going to have a fun and cool conversation with this woman, I might ask her out or I might not, but i am going to have fun anyway and see what she’s about, first and foremost”. How likely are you to end up asking her out when you have this mindset? Oh, only a 100 times more! And she’s a lot more likely to say yes as she will FEEL it happening naturally.
Alternatively, you might actually decide to do what most men will never do because of too much pride, get some books on talking to women. It’s SO incredibly ironic, that most men on this planet would rather not have a date for over a year… than admit they could learn a bit more about the subject… They don’t have time to learn about it, but they have time to write lengthy rants about how come women don’t ask them out.
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
I think the notion that “men have huuuge egos” is little more than another stereotype like “women can’t think logically”. Some men have huge egos; some do not. Men are no more prone to ego than women. It’s just one of a large number of factors that interfere with dating women.
I agree more with the self-esteem protection. Men are the ones who put it out there, face the rejections. It’s scary and can be extremely disappointing, especially if you’ve had a run of rejections. That can crush whatever ego you may have had, quicker than almost anything else.
If a woman really wants to date a man, there is nothing stopping her from asking him out, asking for his phone number. Nothing, that is, except that same sense of terror and of putting yourself on the line, facing possible rejection.
So that question, “Why don’t men ask women out any more?” could be turned around to “Why aren’t women asking men out yet?” It’s just as valid and reasonable. The answer is simple. It’s scary. That’s why.
Well put… There is no biological reason for men to have any more “ego” than women do. That is entirely handed down to men by society. Men are taught to have large ego.
This is where I disagree, because unlike with the societal “ego” construction, women are in fact different than men on this front in a very deep biological manner.
BACK TO THE TOPIC …
Women are attracted (in social psychology terms:) to risk-taking, men who take the lead in the courtship dance. In old school terms “women aren’t attracted to pussies who won’t man up”. It’s actually biologically harder for a woman to ask a man out.
The second thing that is stopping women from asking men out is the fact there is a very severe social ostracizing of women who make the first move. In many female social circles (not all), if a female makes the first move, she will be declared a “slut” and “unfeminine” by the rest of the group and severely put down.
Whereas you, as a guy, if you ask a girl out and you are successful, you will be admired and respected by your peers and society for asking her out. If she is successful at asking you out, she will be looked down on by the surroundings and her reputation will go way down. The only exception to this is when the man is a “catch”… then no one is going to ostracize her for being feminine if she got the “catch” of a guy.
To put it in other words. Women do ask men out, but they don’t ask *you* out.
I didn’t mean to get personal, just get a point across. Which is that women only feel comfortable asking men out who are already “extremely experienced” with women”.
This is the irony that every man learns.
When you are an average, normal guy who is average at asking women out and approaching them… NO WOMEN approach you.
When you learn to get better and better at asking women out, improving your approaching and dating skills, and get to the point where you can just go out ANYWHERE and get at the very least a number or a date from a cute girl…
… then all of a sudden you start getting approached by girls.
A case of “The rich get richer, and the poor get poorer” huh?
Sure, and that’s how the world works. Get used to it.
It’s a personal choice really… You can sit and spend all day repeating “it’s not fair, it’s not fair, it’s not fair”… or you can do the responsible thing and “man up”, and learn to deal with.
I’ve never met a man who can *effortlessly approach any woman anywhere and ask her out* that asks the question “why don’t women ask us out?”. And I will never meet one, i’m certain.
This might be different in different parts of the globe. I don’t know you, but again, from the people I have met, every single person that I have met that keeps asking “why don’t women ask men out!!” has been the kind of a person who refuses to “man up” and learn how to start approaching women and being able to ask women out… in fact, most men who ask this question, don’t even ask women out, or if they do, they refuse to learn how to become better at it, and instead choose to criticize women.
So let me turn your turnaround. Why aren’t you manning up and taking upon your role as a mature man and learning how to ask women out, and getting up to the point where asking them out is no longer scary? You said:
This is why this blog exists. As a way to help men “man up” and give them the tools to reach the point where there is no longer any “sense of terror” or “fear of rejection”.
Visualize the following…
A man finds himself trapped in a room that has been engulfed in flames. There is a fire-extinguisher in the room, but he needs to break through the safety glass to get to it, and right next to the casing, there is a safety guide on how to do it in the safest manner.
Image these two men
Victim-Man:Bohoooo, why is this town so cheap… i have to break through this glass and get all cut up. Why does the mayor suck so much!? Why aren’t the firemen here yet? Shouldn’t firemen be rescuing me? Why aren’t THEY rescuing me! This sucks! And this manual, for crying out loud, it takes too much work to figure it out, what if I get injured anyway? FIREMEN SUCK!! [... this man ends up suffocating to death]
Responsibility-Man: Screw this shit… I’m outta here! Firemen should have arrived by now, but they ain’t coming, lemme see what this thing says [grabs the manual, breaks the glass, extinguishes the flames, and gets to live another day]
This blog is not here to preach. Which of these two men you decide to be is entirely a personal choice. As personal as the choice of a religion or political party. We are only here to serve the manual to those who have decided to take responsibility for their lifes. We do not discriminate (nor should we), against those who decide to wait until things change by themselves. Hey, they might be right… women might just start suddenly asking men out tomorrow in some sort of sexual revolution. (the firemen bust through in the last second).
We’re here to serve the man who’s said to himself “Screw this shit… I’m outta here” “i’m sick and tired and of looking at women from a distance and having to feel all these feelings, i’m going to do whatever it takes to conquer these feelings and reach personal mastery in this area”
this is my second year of starting to analysis ways to approaching women,and I have read a bunch of books from everyone and I also have many experiences on approaching but I couldn’t find any rule on how to find a subject for conversation on the street which certainly there is more hot women,could you help me please ?
(I’ll be grateful if you mail it for me by “you’r answer” as subject !
because there are many people how send me these staffs)
Thanks!
I get the sense that men are afraid to asking women out nowadays, but they also don’t want a woman to take the reigns and ask them out. Bullshit. All men like it when a woman asks them out. If you ask a guy out and its not working out, welcome to the world of adults, that’s what’s known as REJECTION. I understand that everyone doesn’t want to date me, and that’s cool, but for god sakes if we’re hitting it off why can’t they just ask for my number? Is it that scary? If I wasn’t interested I wouldn’t have talk to you. I’m sorry, but I am seriously frustrated with the gutlessness of guys these days.
Bullshit. All men like it when a woman asks them out. If you ask a guy out and its not working out, welcome to the world of adults, that’s what’s known as REJECTION.
Yes, because a person can only take so much pain before starting to be afraid of the pain-inducer. You have your sisters to thank for this. You see, these days, the average man gets rejected about 50 times for every one successful attempt. Every single one of these rejections actually hurts physically. Especially since at least 1/4 of women these days are bitches. They do not know how to let a guy go down easy, but they feel the need to ridicule, make fun of, put down and harshly attack a man for daring ask her out.
Most women who talk to us, if we ask them for their phone number, they reject us. When I personally had a breakdown period, it was after I was just rejected for the 50th time in a row. This girl was really positive, and what seemed like flirty and friendly… Asked her to continue this conversation some time… SLAM… rejection. I actually had a nervious breakdown and cried for like a month straight. I had decided I swore off of women forever. I had enough of it I thought… Life is unfair, women are evil, yadda, yadda, yadda… In that whole “fuck women” period I had, there were dozens of women who wanted me for sure, that I never did anything, because I was still in my hurt period.
Now, this was years ago, but it was a painful experience and it actually lasted me a while. Women are frustrating.
So the only reason you’d ever open your mouth with a male is if you want him? Do you hate men or something? Are we all a piece of meat and you only talk to one of us if you’re interested sexually?
I’m being facetious obviously, but you see the point… Studies show 93% of ALL men, miss ALL signs of interest. In other words, we are unable to tell if a woman is interested or not. When I say miss signs, I mean all those signs you think ARE obvious and 100% sure he’s noticed… Well he hasn’t. He’s blind to them.
Since we can’t know if a girl is interested by signals, we ask girls out based on whether 1) She’s not completely hostile and 2) If we find her attractive. This is why men on average get 50 rejection for every one success. And each one of those is like a adding salt to the wound.
And guys are seriously frustrated with selfish narcissistic girls these days who can’t for even second put themselves in a guy’s shoes. Girls who think that just because they saw it in a romance novel, every guy should be ideally smooth and charismatic, every time, every place. Forgetting we men have emotions and feelings too. For some reason, we aren’t allowed to have feelings. If we have feelings, we’re “gutless”. You know what? Fuck you! You ask for the phone number. He doesn’t owe this action to you.
If he’s not asking for your number:
1) He’s not interested
2) He’s been rejected so many times by your sisters, that he no longer wants to roll the dice, not worth it.
So don’t be a hypocrite. If you like him, you ask him out. You get his number, and stop whining about how men aren’t like in your fantasies.
well i said to a girl that i wanted 2 talk to her but then i got all chocked up and could not talk to her but then i text her and said i was shy and told her i love her but she still hasent said yes or no im so scared
bold girl, cory winn is right:
you (bold girl) said, “I’m sorry, but I am seriously frustrated with the gutlessness of guys these days.”
we guys are just as frustrated with the gutlessness of women as you are with guys. we guys say, “We’re sorry, but we are seriously frustrated that women claim to want equality with men but are afraid to do anything about it.”
bold girl, any women reading any of these comments should ask themselves, “why should men feel any differently about dating than women do?” if you women are wondering why a certain guy doesn’t ask you out, but you’re NOT thinking, “it must be for the same reasons that i’m not asking him out,” you ought to have your heads examined. seriously.
you want the benefits of equality with men, but none of the responsibilities that come with this equality. modern men are well aware of this. the curious thing is why more modern women seem so f______n clueless. you (modern women) think you’re so smart because many of you have university degrees and good jobs, yet you continue to ask yourselves questions like, “why doesn’t he ask me out?” and you continue to expect men to AUTOMATICALLY pay for dinner.
come one ladies. give your brains a chance. we guys are becoming aware of your scam. it won’t be long until you won’t get a date until you do roughly half the asking. it’s only a question of time. the times, they are a changin.
and if you’re thinking, “well,if he won’t ask me out, he won’t get to have sex with me then,” well hey, we’re not gettin any anyway. it can’t get any worse. we might as well put the ball in your lap for a change. see how you like it.
loverboy and cory winn, you’re both exactly right. ‘you want the benefits of equality with men, but none of the responsibilities that come with this equality.’ that cannot be stated any better than that, and i agree with it 100%.
True some men will ask any women out. They do including the one they want sleep with after you. Others act creepy and/or can’t take a hint. Other guys coming from the perspective of actually being interested in a women because he likes her have more at stake and don’t want offend or put in her the awkward position of having to say no without hurting someones feelings or of interrupting her when is trying shop eat etc.
I have a had a couple of women I did not find attractive walk up to me start a conversation and all but ask me for my number. I didn’t want be rude and also didn’t want lead them on to where they flat out made me say no thank you. I imagine this is not fun for women when I happens not just once in a blue moon. As a guy I have asked out women I met through friends and they are always flattered though usually just started dating another guy or were not my type.
walking up to a women in public and and talking can be fun asking them if they want get together or grab coffee sometime is another story. Women appear judge men they have no social proof of (met they just met) quickly and harshly. They are suspect of your intentions , honesty , and will look for any flaw they can find. Ask them on for coffee you are a cheapskate or its too casual you are a boy not a man. Ask them to dinner you are too forward. No matter what happens you are getting picked apart judged for one reason or another.
No thanks or even sorry I’m seeing someone (even if it’s a lie) is a nice way to react. Not all women do this and to be fair some that do have been conditioned be the endless passes of jerks and weirdos. I know women who asked out one guy were rejected , not even harshly. They freaked out acted bitter , hurt etc and that was one time.
Women need to do more than twirl hair or give off easily misinterpreted signals. Is she being nice, is she friendly or interested. You don’t have ask us out but feel free to talk to us , mention things you like give a little compliment I like your shirt , I love that band too, etc. I’ve been wanting to see x movie or have you tried x restaurant I really like the food there is a sure way to to get asked out. Instead the is supposed to express interet make the invitation , then
guys and girls on this site are getting super-agressive with eachother aren’t they? – I can’t claim to know anything other than my own experience…a lot of the men adding comments seem to think that women have equal responsibility to do the asking…my experience is that although the men say that they want this, I’m not sure that they place as much value on a girl who asks them out as opposed to one that they have to hunt a little.
I’m not looking for a fling, I’m looking for a relationship…I’m not so naive to belive that ‘holding back’ ensures that I’m respected but I do think that if I approach and ask out a man, he is likely to read this as a green light for me being up for sex and tend not to think of me as the kind of woman he may want to see if he could build a future with…..and this, I can assure you, is the main reason that women don’t ask men out.
London Lass – most of the bullshit you spewed is just a rationalization girls come up with to justify their laziness.
Here we go again! Guys are gutless for not doing what women say they want men to do – take the risks. How do you say that with a straight face? Do not worry, I am alone for life, deservedly
so for never playing such a horrible, one-sided game; but you have to admit that this double standard is insane!