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How to Approach Women and Open the “Impossible” Women
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QUESTION FROM A READER:
Hey Carlos,
Last night, I’m at my local nightclub and I see this wickedly hot brunette standing by the bar with her equally hot girlfriend. I’ve seen this chick the last couple of times Ive been to the club, and I want to talk to her but I know I’m going to get shot down.
I’ve watched at least six guys try to walk up to her and start a conversation and with a polite smile, she blows off every one of them.
I’ve been racking my brain trying to come up with something to say that will get me in the door, something funny or clever that make her give me a chance. Do you guys have any clever openers that work with girls who are super hot but a bit stuck up?
- Paul
Zagreb, Croatia
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CARLOS XUMA’S ANSWER:
Oh, yeah bro. I’ve been in your shoes.
ItХs painful to think about how many nights I used to waste at the bars and clubs, watching beautiful women and WISHING I had the guts to walk up and start a conversation. I would sit there and sweat and panic as I tried to think of how to approach these women.
Years back, I was in a bar in Kansas City and couldn’t think of what to say to this cute blonde college girl in the bar. But I was ABSOLUTELY determined to do SOMETHING that night, so I approached her and put my business card in her hand.
A second later, she tossed it over her shoulder on the floor.
Now THAT was cold. Agreed that my technique sucked, but no man should have to go through that.
Ever.
Now that I’ve got the game of dating and how to approach women all figured out, it seems crazy just how much importance I used to attach to those initial walk-up situations. I was like most guys Й scared to just approach a girl and start a conversation, because I didnХt know how to approach women effectively or think of something impressive to say to her.
I was at a bar last night doing some field research, and I observed a guyЙ letХs call him ТBeta Bob.У (A name to protect the innocent and soon-to-be rehabilitated.)
Bob was swilling down the beers and (very obviously) trying to figure out how to approach a very adorable Catherine Zeta-Jones lookalike sitting a few barstools down.
Finally he stood up, sucked in his gut, and walked up to her. He opened with something basic - “I just sensed you needed someone cool to talk to…” It wasn’t particularly clever, but she smiled, laughed, and seemed interested in chatting.
What followed was a few minutes of generic small talk. Beta Bob asked her if sheХd been to this bar before , what her job was, where else she liked to hang out, yada yada.
This entire encounter had the appearance of a very awkward job interview. She was starting to look bored and fidgety, checking her cell phone, looking around for her friends. What started out very promising was rapidly going down the toilet.
After four or five questions, Beta Bob ran out of juice. The conversation had hit a brick wall. He took a nervous sip of beer, looked down at his shoes, and then, she politely excused herself to go use the restroom.
Needless to say, she didn’t come back.
I see situations like these all the time. And in many cases, it goes a lot worse, the girl doesn’t even give the guy the CHANCE to ask questions.
Her instincts immediately tell her, this guy is nervous/ clueless/ annoying/ boring/ etc, and so she BLOWS HIM OFF or SHOOTS HIM DOWN before he can even approach and introduce himself. Beta Bob’s woman was actually nicer than she had to be.
Basically, when this happens to a woman, her instincts are telling her: his guy is NOT an Alpha Man. Why should I waste my time letting a Beta Guy hit on me? I’ll just act disinterested and hope he gets the hint. These guys have NO CLUE what women want”
And all the man wants to know is how to approach women without the fear of rejection. How do you approach a woman and get past these defense systems safely?
Two things I want you to keep in mind:
1. Your approach is about more than using the right opener, or using pickup lines.In fact, the actual words don’t mean SQUAT to your overall success.
Guys have this faulty programming that makes them think that they can only approach and talk to a woman with a “pickup line.” In fact, it’s the LAST thing she wants. You saw what happened to Beta Bob - he had a decent opener and STILL blew it on the first down.
She wants reality and an attractive ENERGY from you. Period.
It’s HOW to approach women, not WHAT you approach women with.
2. Having a conversation with a girl is about much more than making small talk and exchanging information about each other.
Just as before, the content is actually irrelevant. The vibe and feel you leave her with IS.
Here’s an exercise for you, and it’s something I teach on the subject of “vibing.”
The next time you’re in a conversation with a woman and things start going a little dry, or you’re not able to keep it juiced with topics, I want you to notice the following:
- Your energy level: How excited do you feel to be talking with this woman? Are you feeling “zippy” and juiced, or grogggy and lethargic? You need to keep your excitement UP. Up up up!
- Your emotional state: What’s your mood? Are you feeling positive? Or positively negative? If you’re down or in a mood, everyone will know it, and you won’t get very far. Your emotions must be conducive to hers or she will never “sync” up with you for the vibe you’re looking for.
- Her emotional state: What’s her mood? Is she tuned in and enthused, or is this conversation like poking yourself in the armpits with a ball-point pen? Some women aren’t worth talking to, no matter how squeezable those blouse-bunnies look.
If she’s a drag, she’s going to take you with her, and you STILL won’t get laid. But if you can turn that around and shake her out of her stupor, you’ll get ten times further than the last few dorks who just told her to “Cheer up!”
- Your level of self-awareness: Are you paying too much attention to that part of you that’s watching the conversation from a distance? A lot of guys get a bit too self-aware in their conversations, to the point where they are more focused on their own performance than the good time that he should be having right now just talking to a woman.
If you notice these four zones and find that they are out of whack, you need to first of all LET GO.
Yes, you heard me right. Don’t start pushing and paying even MORE attention to the problem area. That’s what will doom your conversation.
More focus on the wrong areas will only make them grow even larger.
Let them GO.
The more you relax and tune into the “vibe” between you and her, the faster you will get back on track. This is what I teach in my advanced conversation programs.
Remember, ultimately, if you’re going to learn how to approach women most effectively, you must learn the core skills to attraction. These are the ones that you do NOT build in a bar or nightclub with pumping tribal dance rhythms.
These skills are cultivated in real mastery, in face-to-face interactions with women that you are able to create REAL connection with. Once you learn how to approach women with confidence and skill, you’ll find that you have what all men are ultimately seeking, whether it’s a girlfriend or a wife or just a fun evening: You’ll have OPTIONS.
- Carlos Xuma
Approach Women Now
